THOUGHTS OF A BELIEVER

Recently I came across an article, well it’s rather a news about a mother who killed her own 2 month year old baby. SubhanAllah I could feel exactly how she would have felt, except, I didn’t actually kill mine but I’ve had that in my mind at times. You might think, how could a mother ever do that after going through everything preparing the arrival of her baby and just take his/her life just like that! Yup! Not having enough rest, changes in your body and emotion leads you to that! Momma has gone cray cray! I bet your even judging me now…but I don’t care really because honestly we all feel like killing someone at times. Ok no joke, serious time.

Firstly to break down things to all you new mommas out there, MOTHERHOOD AINT EASY! BABIES THO CUTE, NOT EASY. And you’ll have many SLEEPLESS NIGHTS! But GOOD NEWS tho, YOU”LL GET USE TO IT WOMAN! Like every phase we go in life, this is also a part of it. Remember being a teen, it wasn’t easy with puberty, pimples, big boobs, small boobs, mood swings, dreading over opposite sex and all that. Then when you got married… loud snores, toilet seat not put down, loud unapologetic farts, video games24/7 dramas. Yup, motherhood is just like that too! It’s a phase in life that Allah puts us through to be better and it’s just polishing us all the way! Honestly you could see yourself, being more patience at the end of the day, being able to organize like a pro, and even getting a new figure (happens when you manage a toddler).

Secondly, it’s OK to CRY! CRY to everyone and please don’t be so independent all the time! Yes I know we women are brought up being independent but till you talk to your husband and tell him what’s wrong, his never going to understand. Throw him those tears then he will need to man up for u and start figuring things out for u and the baby. MEN NEED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO! So, please please communicate with your spouse! I beg you all! I did that mistake of taking all in. I did the mistake of being independent with my baby too much that it broke me. When you’re about to break down, get away from your baby for a few hours and have your “me-time”. It really helps! And hey, ur hubby might get his time to bond with the baby.

Thirdly, EAT HEALTHY! I know I’m not the best person to give this advice but when I was pregnant, I tried my level best to do it and when I was in my confinement too! Alhamdulillah I have my umie to make sure everything was in order in terms of food. And EAT UP WOMAN! So what you gained a few extra pounds, EXERCISE but NEVER EVER SKIP A MEAL! Especially when your breastfeeding. Drink lots of water even though people think your being a whale. DRINK DRINK DRINK PLENTY OF WATER! Our emotions and hormones relates to what we eat too!

Fourthly, read up not only about child birth but also about breastfeeding, cleanliness of the baby, activities to play with your baby other than just taking his/her picture and postpartum depression. READ READ READ! You need to read and watch videos, talk to other mommas and find a way you want to do things with your baby. Different mother has got different styles and we are all are no better than the other but doing all this would help you to get an idea on motherhood. Find a support group among your friends or even in your residential area. It helps a lot to get friends you could relate to! But but but…if at all you feel judged by this mommas…RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WOMAN! Some ladies can be so know it all and bitter honestly!

Fifthly, SLEEP! You might go like eh you said sleep deprived…yeah but just do this in the first few weeks after giving birth. IT’s really tiring pushing your baby out to the world and u need that rest! So, what you do is…pump out your milk and give your baby to your hubby or parents to take care off and YOU GO SLEEP! Alhamdulillah my umie took care of my baby at night when I was having a good night sleep. She slept with my baby and gave milk to her when she wakes up at 5am and after that I took over. It helped me soooo much Alhamdulillah! So, try liaising with your family and I’m sure they would be happy to help. If you’ve got money than go ahead and hire someone to do it!

Sixthly, I’M A BAD MOTHER! Yup, this will definitely haunt you down till the end of your life. But honestly, NO ONE IS PERFECT WOMAN! A dear friend did tell me this when I had a meltdown not long before. It’s ok to have a meltdown. It’s ok to feel frustrated and showing it especially to your kids because they need to know that neither you nor they are perfect. It’s a learning curve for you and your baby and that’s how we complement each other. I know for sure when I tell my daughter, I hate her, she’s going to do that when she’s in her teen’s year. We did hate our moms at one point of time. I’m telling this not to ask you ladies to do so but what I’m trying to convey is that its ok guys, honestly it’s ok. We can’t be perfect all the time. We are human. MOM’S ARE HUMAN!

Finally, make sure NOT TO SKIP YOUR PRAYERS AND YOUR DAILY MORNING AND EVENING ADHKAR. Make sure to always recite the Quran or even listen to it with your baby. The words of Allah has the power to heal and for your postpartum depression this is an amazing cure. So I think let’s slide music under the bed for now shall we. Make sure to recite Surah Fatiha, Ayatul Kursi and 3 Qul EVERYDAY! At times I forget too but once you realize you’re about to go cuckoo, snap out of it and recite. It will definitely cool you down!

Now, this one I need you to let your hubby read it! HUBBY HUBBA HUBBA listen…

Firstly, DUDE, BE INVOLVED! I’m not asking you to do everything but make sure you’re ready to be her support system! You never liked her in her PMS days, well get ready, this could be worst! But she’s bringing your baby to this world, I bet you can be more sensible and take it all in right! Lend in your ears for her and motivate her. Don’t just motivate her by saying “you can do it”, “jannah lies on your feet”, “Allah chose you among millions of people out there” but motivate her by saying “you’re the most amazing woman I’ve met”, “I love you sooo much”, “our baby and I can never be blessed with a more amazing mom and wife than u”, lots of hugs, lots of kisses, shower her with chocolates and foods she love to indulge! Dude just by hugging and kissing her every day, that’s THE BEST EVER MOTIVATION for any woman in this world!

Secondly, BE READY FOR CHANGE! I know you might be in the midst of promotion, new job, just got into the romance phase of marriage and THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE! Yup! Not only for you but your wife too! It’s a change for everyone! You might find your wife turning out to be a complete new person and even everything at home will be so different from before.  So, just know that your child is also a rizq that will bring in more RIZQ AND TAWAKKUL in Allah for this new journey! It’s totally fine to talk to your wife about it and really figure things together.THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT.

Thirdly, FORGIVE HER, MAKE DU’A FOR HER AND BE PLEASE WITH HER. I think this bit might be a bit difficult for some because your wife has just got to the next level on emotions and mood swings and the number one reason for it is TIRED AND SLEEP DEPRIVED. Looking at her, you might feel like u made the biggest mistake choosing the wrong person as the mother of your kids. Honestly, with a toddler, this can still go on and for me myself, I’m a totally different person when that happens. Things I might think I won’t do to my daughter, I do. At times I tell to my hubby that I can’t take it and I want to kill our daughter but he snaps me out of it without making me guilty and he always says that he prays for me not to be a MONSTER and ask Allah to give me and him the strength.

So guys, though it’s all flowery and wonderful this PARENTHOOD thinghy, it’s filled with test for you and your family. Give time to each other and seek help. I’m sure there will be many peple willing to help you if you reach out. Never take this negative emotions light. REALIZE IT AND MAKE A CHANGE! Like what my bro in law told us welcoming us to parenthood, it’s a BITTERSWEET JOURNEY! 

      Growing up, people around me are rather confused by who I was. A petite girl with a fair skin, sharp nose and a bindi on her fore head would almost be mistaken as a Malay. Where I come from, Malaysia is known with is diversity encompassing 3 major race. The Malays which originates from the land of java, Indians from land of the Pandavas and Chinese from the land of great dynasties, all brought in over by the East India Company. Me and my sister, well we look Malay but we are actually, well this may surprise you, a mixture between Indian and Chinese. Actually in this 21^st century, it’s not a surprise for us Malaysians with all this mushy mixture going on! One can have so much of race in them but yet we need to choose between this major three to be called a Malaysian. Quite ridiculous but that’s a something we’ve all kept inside our hearts.

    I could only trace my ancestry back to when Malaysia was hit by the Japanese occupation back in the 1940’s. The Chinese couldn’t stand a chance to survive back then. So my grandmother who is a Chinese was given away to an Indian family. She grew up embracing her lighter skin tone being in the midst of strong, rough, build dark Indians. Of course, to this people, she is the most beautiful women they have ever seen. Every women in the village envied her, so she said! But I could not stop thinking why and how is she envied being flat chested, with a tiny eyes and flat nose? Ah! It’s probably her skin! Yea, the fair ones gets away quite easily!

     She married my grandfather at such a young teen age, a rubber tapper and found her happy ever after surrounded by kerosene lights under the rubber trees. They bore 5 children and the second from that lot is my father. Ah yes! My father was a lot like my grandmother and a lot Chinese. He was a proud, calm and collected, wise, stingy when it comes to money but he was so in love with his Indian culture. Growing up, he made sure we stayed strong to our culture. Every Diwali is celebrated with new beautiful, colorful clothes and singing hymns to the god and goddesses. Yes, and that includes not wearing anything black as it is not auspicious for the Hindus.

    Growing up, I learned a lot from my grandmother and father, taking up their eastern values before I moved onto my path discovering Islam and being a Muslim. I married my husband who is a Malay and by the grace of God, we have one daughter now who screams 1Malaysia inside her, though I secretly think she’s more Indian! It’s beautiful in the Quran, Chapter 49 Verse 13 God says “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made people and tribes that you may know one another”. 

Few days back, I was strolling down with my stroller on the way to my husband’s university. Walking down the streets and down the pathways of the houses, I was awed by how beautiful autumn is going to be and how it is to be living in that particular neighborhood. Having one big olden English house with a huge yard, sipping tea and looking at the children play. So dreamy right?!

For a split second, memories rushed down to back when I was a teen. It was a Sunday ritual for my family to go to the temple early in the morning and have breakfast in Bangsar. My dad would drive us around the neighborhood for us to admire the houses and how we could imagine life be if we ever get to live there. I guess it was a form of motivation for us to study, get to a good university, work, marry a rich man and live in one of those houses.

Then when I snapped out of that memory, I looked at where I am today and I could only say Alhamdulillah. No, I didn’t get into the top universities in Malaysia, an animation graduate who left her job years back, not married to a rich man, I’ve got 2 Chanel bags under my eyes thanks to my toddler and definitely NOT staying at one of those houses in Bangsar!

Honestly, my dad could turn to me today and tell me that, I didn’t achieve any when I had the time to achieve it in Malaysia, what more in England! But nope! When I told him what I saw here and how beautiful it is, he said, nothing is impossible for a human mind. Dream and work hard for it and if it was meant to be for you, God will surely bless you with it and if it is not…well, Islam says it clearly, Allah is saving the best for you. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

See, human imagination is wonderfully so powerful and that is why we have achieved so much. Technologies revolves around our imagination and dream and the drive one has to achieve it makes it more unbelievable. At times, we imagine things that no one could see, we dream of achievements that others regard it as “Are you hearing to yourself?!”

Rasullulah SAW said that if we were to ask for paradise, we should ask for its highest level: Al-Firdaus Al-A’la. Why so?

Don’t you want to be there? Don’t you want to be at the best place? Under the throne of Allah? To be seeing His face for the first time? Even though your still struggling in perfecting yourselves, your imaan, you still wanna be at Al-Firdaus because it itself is in our inner fitra, wanting the best, wanting the perfect one!

Allahuakhbar! Allah is the Most Merciful and Most Forgiving. He sent us a Prophet who would only give us so much of guidance, love and hope. Never have he failed in his job as a Messenger of Allah what more than encouraging us to be the best believer achieving the best so that we could all be together even though he knew what state this Ummah will be after leaving us. Dream and making du’a for Al-Firdouse is just not it. He encourages us to work hard for it, follow the Quran and Sunnah and ask for Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.

So now I tell you my friends, dream and imagination is so powerful that it should drive you and those around you to the better! Be it for the dunya or the aakhirah, dream and work for it and make plenty of du’a to Allah SWT to grant you the best of this world and the hereafter. If He doesn’t, than know that Allah has your best interest and He will grant you more than what you imagine for yourselves.