In the name of Allah , the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful. 

Assalamualaikum to all,

I bet by the sound of the title of my post you would probably think that "Man! haram police is here!" MashaAllah nah! im not gonna do that :D ... there is actually a reason that im writing this post...im sad but at the same time im actually saying Alhamdulillah for everything. im hoping that this might be enlightening to other people inshaAllah and please bear with me, it will be a long post :p

See, few months ago i was in a pain. holding on to matters and at the same time trying to do my best before i reached the state of tawakul! inside me i knew that time that i needed Allah, i needed His guidance so i have been getting closer to my deen. trying to do more, learn more, be better and i was always making sure that im balanced dunya akhira.

So one day i walked into the masjid and prayed my maghrib prayers in jamaah and i couldn't control my tear! it was rolling and rolling like rolling in the deep :p! i had so much of burden that i need to let go to my Lord .... till at the end of the prayer, a granny who was sitting beside me hold me tight and asked me what's wrong, why am i crying. i couldn't tell her anything actually, i continued crying and she said "be patient, be patient for Allah and everything will be ok" MashaAllah i cried even more hearing to it! SubahanAllah~  well, i have been crying in the masjid this few months, i bet the whole masjid know me as..THE CRY BABY! hikhikhik....

See, i had a problem actually...i was attached!and it is not a halal attachment.. i was attached to a brother (im not really that good of a person tho!) This brother came into my life way before me becoming a Muslim and yes, he was the major contributor to my deen at that time! what i really liked about him was that he was like an imam i was finding for, a Khalifah to guide the ummah and a friend who loved me dearly for the sake of Allah. Knowing him, my ukhwah grew into knowing people who loves Allah too! MashaAllah its a wonderful feeling right, being around people who loves Allah, and Allah loves them. Alhamdulillah for that!

Well, the brother came up to me asking my hand in marriage and analysing everything, i actually said yes but i was naive to do istikharah and seeking Allah's guidance. I thought this is Allah's blessing for me.I later on told him that this might not work as my parents are not aware of my reversion but yet than he promised me..he promised to be there for me, he promised to marry me and go through thick and thin with me...i agreed for it.

Days passes by and we grew closer, at that time i thought he was my knight shinning in armour! subahanAllah i started depending on him as though he knew what is right for me in my life and my deen and what i thought was that we were growing together in it and he told me that we are actually engaged as his family knew about us and everything. Then there came my parents who opposed to the whole idea and my family giving both of us really a tough time, but inside me i knew Allah has the key to everyone's heart same goes to my parents'. Day passed and i told myself at that time that well, if Allah were to grant my du'a then Alhamdulillah and there wasn't a day that i didn't pray for things to be better

It is true that people change along the way, its either to become better or worst! to get closer to Allah or to dunya and along the way we changed too! I was getting closer to Allah trying to buck up my deen. I thought that by getting closer to Allah, Allah will be pleased with me and eventually grant my du'as but then I never did realize what I prayed till today! I made du'a to Allah to make me a better Muslimah, a better servant to Him, steadfast in this deen and bless me with a husband who will walk with me achieving jannah. See, when i made this du'as i was keeping this brother in my heart and its like i've made my mind that he is the one and Allah please make it happen for me. But i was wrong! Allah heard my prayers and He knew what's best for me. not long enough i start to realize how he was too busy with work and catching up with work and i dunno whether did he do anything at all for his deen? i did questioned that but i was still yet denying it inside me subahanAllah~

Allah actually loves me more and i realized it. Recently this brother got engaged to someone else and it was a perfect timing when my father agreed to our marriage. MashaAllah she is so pretty, thin and a kind of women a material men want to have. I did learn about her and what kind of person she is and Allah was never wrong and the quran also is never wrong! Allah said

" Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision." Quran 24:26

When i see and hear things about her this is the verse that reminds me of that. Well, you might think that i'm judging but no my dear family, i pray to Allah that this brother will have the strength to guide her. i am sad, very actually not because he hurt me by not telling me that he is getting engaged to someone else but i'm sad looking at what he turned to be. He was a man who have so much of capability, so much of dakwah that he could do for the ummah but i'm so sad that he turned up to be the opposite.i was never bothered if he doesn't want to marry me, i just want him to marry the women of deen! But yet again Allah knows what's best for him and Allah has plan for them. i just ask forgiveness from Allah for him and me, for all the promises he made on Allah's name...everything.

Now, i see Allah's love and blessings clearer..Allah took away one love but blessed me with abundant including His love for me. He sent me wonderful sisters who is with me from day one till today, sisters that came into my life today but made me stronger MashaAllah! i never did regret for what i went through cos if i didn't i wouldn't be steadfast in Islam, it will never cross my mind that i will be a Muslim! this brother thought me a lot actually. he once told me this before i became a Muslim "if you love me, you will love what I love and that is Islam. But I know for sure, one day, you will love Islam more than me! " SubahanAllah he is sooo true! i love Allah and this deen so much! a blessing that i got never by asking Allah at all...it just came to me!  he was the one who advised me in being a better muslimah, learn everything, question things that are doubtful to us and get clarification before following it, he is the one who always reminded me to pray on time and mashaAllah most importantly he taught me patience and strength! but he was sent by Allah just to guide me for awhile and his job is done. Allah is now taking him away~

Will iamthebeliever ever be married? inshaAllah one day to a man that Allah will pass my heart to cos now my heart belongs to Allah . a man who will take care of it, a man that will learn together with me till jannah, a man that will open the eyes of both my parents and sister about islam, a man who will trully love me for the sake of Allah! Do make du'a for me dear family to go through this test :)

I hope this story of mine will inspire all of you in some way. Like how my favourite speaker, Yasmin Mogahed says, everything in this world is a tool for you to seek Allah. Don't keep the love of human in your heart yet keep it in your hand...only Allah belongs in your heart...SubahanAllah~



Waalaikummusalam warahmatullah ~